Todays world loves to know other people business, its human. So here, for your entertainment, is a little piece of my mind. I guarantee that if you know me, there is or will be a letter here waiting for you to read.
19 year olds regret
19 September 2023 – to N.
I still think about the mistake I made three years ago. Giving up my first love, with still so much raw emotion towards you left inside me. I learnt a long time ago that once you love someone, truely and wholeheartedly love someone you will never stop loving them; and for you, that holds true.
I catch myself thinking about you late at night, wondering how you are, what your life is like, wondering if you think of me too, and what we’d both be like if I had not gotten so scared at 16.
And maybe it’s selfish. I know it’s selfish. I long to have that connection and joy back after I threw it away all because of my parents divorce. I tell myself my world view; one built on the existence of love and fairy tales, had fallen apart recently, but it started to crumble then. How can I believe in love when my own parents, the blueprint, can’t even make it? It was selfish to punish me, to punish you, for something they decided on.
Time to time I see photographs and videos of us together, laughing in my room, walking through the mountains, and dancing at sunset, and I’m flooded with emotions; joy, anger, sorrow, and love. I miss it, I miss you.
It’s wrong of me, but when I told you that night in January that I still love you and would want to try again in the future I meant it, and still do. You made me a better person, if flourished when I was with you.
But life moved on. You moved on. And I hope you’re happy, I hope she makes you happy.
I’ll be here. Waiting for second chance, I don’t deserve.
Never enough
19 September 2023 – to H.
I wasn’t looking for love when I met you, I never thought I’d trust someone like I did you ever again. I let myself fall for you, I let myself feel like a little girl, talking about crushes with my girlfriends, giggling and kicking my feet.
In the beginning it was perfect, more than perfect. I felt safe enough to fall asleep in silence with you, to be myself around you. I trusted and loved you and trusted and loved me in return.
As time went on you grew distant, you stopped looking at me with that kindness and compassion in your eyes, only giving me that look when you wanted me. And I gave my body and soul to you. It was yours for the taking.
You withdrew your efforts, we stopped going out on dates, just the two of us, friends would be invited, or we’d just stay in. Our time became only your time. The compliments stopped, the flowers stopped, the simple acts of kindness all but disappeared. You became embarrassed to hold hands with me and hug me in public, claiming that you hated PDA, yet two months prior you would hug me so hard the breath left my body just so you could show everyone I was yours and you were mine.
I had never felt such a slow burn heartbreak in my life and I would never wish it upon anyone. When you told me you texted your ex the night you dumped me, my body ached, the feeling in my chest matched a heart attack. You called me crying and sobbing, wanting me back, and I comforted you. And I never received an apology. I chose to forgive you, something that you took for granted.
Even after your crash, when I called off work and uni, just to take care of you, for weeks I was at your beck and call, taking you out so you could see your friends, cooking your dinner, pushing my pain aside (pain you never took seriously), and leaping out of bed in the early hours of the morning to ensure your comfort. I never received a thank you.
I was so scared I wouldn’t be enough for you, I fought to stay on your mind, to be the one you wanted. But no matter what I did, I wasn’t enough for you. And I’m coming to terms that you weren’t enough for me and that I deserve someone who gives back the love I share.
You taught me love and heartache, taught me what love is and what it isn’t. For that I’m grateful. And even though you caused me so much pain; I wish you the best.
Little deer
19 September 2023 – A thought I had at night
I am deer. In my mind I run free, at peace surrounded by Mother Nature, soaking in the rays of sun that through the canopy of trees.
When out in public I am a deer. A deer being hunted, a deer on high alert, head on a swivel. The danger not yet recognised but looming over my shoulder.
It’s only when I spot him with those hungry eyes that I understand the danger.
Those eyes that pierce my clothing like daggers, wanting to rip them off my body just to get a glance of my figure.
Their grotesque smile, bearing their teeth at me, teeth that are desperate to take a bite of my lips or neck.
Their predator like stance, as they follow me with their gaze, getting ready to pounce. I try my best to walk past with my head held high, being sure to keep them in my view, without looking at them for too long, in fear they’ll get the wrong the message.
I am deer, through no choice of my own.
My escape
19 September 2023 – wishful thought
A book is my escape, where I can enter a land and time that is not my own.
A place where my problems no longer exist.
A place where I can travel through pages, disguised as someone I’m not.
A place where I can fall in love and be the hero of the story.
A book is my escape, and for a brief moment I am free from the mundane and disdain of the real world.
Medieval Musgrave 